Leaving
by Inmyownwords92
Summary: "I knew it was probably a shitty way to leave things but I knew if I stayed I'd let her get to me and make her think everything was ok when it wasn't." Spashley craziness of course. Take a chance and read plz
1. Struggles and Hard Decisions

**Spencer's POV**

It was 4:30 in the morning and I was up watching her sleep. I was having an internal battle. Last night was the first night in 4 months that we had talked about everything that had happened between us. She showed up on my door step after all this time to "make things right." There were tears, there was yelling and there was regret. Her regretting the fact that she left me here for 3 months, on my own, because she was scared of commitment and me regretting the fact that I didn't fight harder to keep her, to make her realize that she was it for me. We had made progress in those few hours we talked but now I wasn't so sure myself and I sure as hell knew I wasn't ready to go through the 3 months of heart ache I went through again. Agreeing to come back to her place was an even worse decision on my part if I knew I wasn't ready to face everything. Yes, I had done my share of shit in our relationship but in the end, she was the one to give up and leave, taking the easy way out. She told me that she was here to stay this time but I didn't know if I could trust her. Ashley had made so many promises before and condemned them all to hell when she left me to go to Ireland. Yeah I loved her, so much that it scared the shit out of me but the day that she left I became a shell of the person I use to be. I didn't want to go to that place ever again.

I threw the covers off of me and placed my feet on the cold hardwood floor. She stirred as I got out of bed and went over to her laptop. I sat down in the chair in front of it, pulled out a pen and piece of paper from the drawer where she kept all of that junk, and began to write. I wrote everything I felt and everything I was afraid of in that letter. How I wasn't sure , How I didn't know if I could trust her with my heart again, every conviction I had in my body. I wrote and wrote until I felt I had been drained of all words. When done, I glanced at the clock. The red numbers read 5:15 and I folded the letter, placing it back on the table. Ashley was still very much asleep so I proceeded to the closet and put on some of the spare clothes I had left in her closet when we were together. I then grabbed my duffel bag that I had once left behind and put every single article of clothing I had in the house into it. I went around the house grabbing things I knew were mine, placing them in the duffel bag as well. I never had the chance to do so because she left so abruptly.

I knew it was probably a shitty way to leave things but I knew if I stayed I'd let her get to me and make her think everything was okay when it wasn't. I sat on the edge of the bed and put on my shoes and when I was done I grabbed my phone, my keys, and threw my duffel bag over my shoulder. I placed the letter on the pillow next to my sleeping beauty and exited the room. I made my way down the stairs and out the front door, feeling myself deflate with every step I took. I opened the passenger side of my jeep and put my duffel bag in, closing the door. I walked around the car and got in but not before glancing up at her bedroom window, the bedroom where we had shared so many memories. Although I was leaving when I didn't want to, I knew it was something I had to do. To get my head and my heart together. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I then started the car, knowing I was trying to drag this out but only making it worse because the time was withering and with every minute I stalled it was a minute closer to her waking up. I put the car in drive and pressed on the gas, driving away from her house and pushing her out of my life...

**AN: Good start? Well the only way I can know is if you guys review lol let me know if you guys would like to see this continued. Like 30 days of you, its already finished and just needs posting. This first chapter starts with Spence's POV but I think the rest is in Ashley's. Anyways R&R and let me know what ya think yea? =]**


	2. Wake Up Call

**Ashley's POV**

I Awoke to the sun shining through the bedroom window and on my face. I opened my eyes tiredly and they adjusted to the new found brightness of the day. I rolled over in bed and noticed that the spot that Spencer once occupied was now empty and there was a letter on her pillow. I glanced at the clock and it read 12:15. I never woke up before twelve and it looks like today could have been the day that waking up earlier could have worked to my advantage.

Sitting up in the bed, I pulled the covers up to my chest to cover my naked body from the slight draft in the room. It always did grow a little colder whenever she wasn't near. I sighed and picked up the letter that was lying on the pillow, silently taunting me with the words it held inside. Heart rate picking up in pace, I glanced around the room. Her stuff was gone. She was gone. And the realization that things were more serious than I thought clutched at my heart. I took a deep breath, stirring a little in my spot on the bed, and bravely unfolded the letter. Not knowing what I was gonna read made my mind race and had me practically at the edge of my seat. But then again putting two and two together, the fact that she and all of her stuff was gone and that I was even holding this dreadful letter in my hand made it crystal clear what this letter would be about. So without delaying the heartache any further, I began to read the letter.

_Dear Ashley, _

_ I know last night was good for us and we made progress but I'm still in doubt about the two of us getting back together. It is not because I don't love you because I do. You mean everything to me. I would give my life for you but what you did to me, how you left me without an explanation, without even a phone call, tore me apart. The past three months have been hell without you and even that is and understatement of what its been like for me. Its not that I don't want to be with you because I really really do and if I could just let what happened go then I would. If I could just easily forget about it, it would make things so much easier but I can't. I don't know if I can trust you anymore. I don't know if I can trust when you say that you won't leave me again because in the back of my mind there will always be that voice telling me that you are. _

_That if things get hard again, you'll be the first to pick up and leave and I'll be left to scrap up the pieces of my heart again that you so carelessly shattered without a thought. It scares me to death to even think about possibly going back to the place I was in. I don't want that and if your plan is to get into my good graces and get me back then leave me to fend for myself then I don't want it...or you for that matter. That's just something I refuse to go through again. You may think I'm being selfish and you know maybe I am but I sure as hell will not go through the heart ache I went through when you decided that I wasn't good enough for you and left. _

_I don't know if I can do this with you again. You have to show me that you're not that scared little girl you were before and that you're ready to be in this relationship with me. Its all or nothing. I need all of you or none of you. Show me that you love me just as much as I love you. I need to know that you won't throw in the towel if things get a little rocky. I love you so very very much Ashley but if your only looking for a good time and a girl who's whole heart isn't in it then I'm not it. Its not me you're looking for. The ball is in your court so either shoot or pass it to the another player._

_Sincerely, _

_Your Ohio _

I swear I read that letter a thousand times and then one. I was so stupid to think that when I came back that she wouldn't be torn. I did leave her without so much as a phone call. I was lucky Spencer didn't just slam the fucking door in my face when I showed up. She didn't because she's not that kind of girl. She's the kind of girl that you meet and immediately fall head over heels for and I did. Only to go and screw it up because just like she said I was a scared little girl who was afraid of getting hurt only to realize I was the one doing the hurting. She was basically telling me in that letter that I either needed to change or figure out my life without her and I definitely wasn't going to do that. So the only option I had was to change and I had. I was no longer the scared little girl just quivering inside because someone might actually love me. I'm not the person I was before, who was so emotionally fucked up that I couldn't let anyone in, even the girl I would so easily give my life for a million times over. My time away in Ireland did do me some good. I changed and for the better. If I hadn't, there would be no way I would have ever come back to L.A and shown my face.

I folded the letter back up and placed it on the night stand. I then got out of bed and decided to take a shower. Last night was the best night of my life because Spencer and I had finally made love after three months but the morning after was the worst. I grabbed some clothes out of my dresser drawers and proceeded to the bathroom. I took a quick shower not wanting to delay anymore time I had to talk with Spencer. After my shower I got dressed, put on my shoes and grabbed my car keys. I didn't even bother blow drying my hair. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I was trying to convince the Love of my life that I had changed and that I was in it. She might need time to think it over, but I was just fine with moving forward.

I made my way out of the house and into my black as sin mustang. I already had an idea of where Spencer would be. At Kyla's house. Yea she was my sister but she was Spencer's best friend. And if it came down to the fact that I had screwed Spencer over and she was hurt, I knew Kyla would be on her side and I couldn't blame her. Would you? So I started the engine of my car and made my way to Kyla's house. It only took me about 20 minutes to get there and before I even realized it, I was sitting outside of her house. I had no idea what I would say but I knew I had to do it now. Whether it was planned or I just rambled on about all my insecurities and how much I needed her. I took a deep breath and got out of my car, slamming the door and walking up the path to Kyla's front door. I said a little prayer and then rang the door bell. I was silently hoping no one was home but when Kyla opened the door, my hopes were squashed. Kyla stared at me hard, with her glasses and messy pony tail. I gave her a weak smile.

"Hi Ky can I talk to Spe..." Before I could even finish that sentence my nose was saying hello to the wooden door again. She slammed the door in my face without a second to spare. I didn't even think twice about the fact that she could also be mad at me for leaving. We were really close being sisters and all and when I left she was mad. I called her everyday but she never answered and on the rare occasions that she did it was only to yell at me and tell me to "Get my bony, sorry ass home." I should have know coming back would result in a lot of pissed off tension towards me for leaving. Only with Kyla it was two times over. One for her own self the other for leaving Spencer and her probably having to help Spence pick up the pieces that use to be her heart. I didn't really think of the consequences of me leaving and possibly coming back. But then again in the beginning I didn't think I **was **going to come back. This whole road to redemption was going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

**AN: Let me know what ya think yea? Was a little sad that I only got like 3 reviews for the first chapter but that's ok its just starting out but I would like more lol well I hope you enjoy and once again...R&R! It makes me happy =]**


	3. Please

**AN: UPDATE! So I'm glad you guys are liking the beginning of the story...hopefully you will stay on for the whole ride lol Anyways let me know what you guys think? R&R**

I rang the doorbell repeatedly and even knocked a few times but I was getting nothing.

"Kyla open the door, I need to talk to Spencer." I said but still there was no response. I knocked a little louder this time, growing annoyed that she would result to childish games such as 'lets not open the door for Ashley when her love life is on the line.'

"I know you can hear me little sister, so open the door this is important. If Spencer's in there tell her we need to talk." I heard the doorknob jiggle and the door came swinging open with a fuming Kyla in my presence. I stepped back in fear of the fire that might come out of her mouth and nostrils.

"Ashley go away. Spencer is not here and if she was I would gladly encourage her not to talk to your sorry ass." She said matter of factly and I laughed a little. This was so like Kyla. She was uh very protective of Spencer. If I didn't know any better I'd say she had a thing for the blond.

"Kyla this isn't a joke." I said seriously and she scoffed.

"If Spencer is in there tell her to be reasonable and come talk to me." I finished and Kyla rolled her eyes.

"You can't just give me mind blowing sex and then leave me the next morning with a letter stating your good-bye!" I yelled in hopes if she was there she'd hear me. Yes I resulted to childish antics. I guess Kyla and I have a lot more in common than I thought. Kyla's eyes widened.

"Would you keep it down! The neighbors will hear!" She said in a loud whisper.

"Well if you would let me in this wouldn't be happening." I said and she glared at me. Her face then softened.

"Look, Spencer's not here and I'm not lying to you. I of all people know that you two have things to sort out and would in no way hinder that because even though you were an ass and I put a huge emphasis on ASS to her I can understand where you're coming from. Now, I sure as hell don't understand why you had to run all the way to Ireland but I do understand why you were scared. But you should have gave her a warning Ashley. Some kind of sign that you were having doubts. Not just pack your shit and leave her picking her mind apart. Wasting her days away with wondering if it was something she did wrong personally. Yes you're my sister and I would gladly give my life for you but she's my best friend and those three months I had to watch her fall apart inside herself were the worst. No one should **ever** have to go through that pain, you of all people should know that." Kyla said, finally saying what I knew she had been dying to say but to stubborn to come out with it. I didn't want to hear it, none of it, but she was right. All I could do was keep my eyes downcast.

"I know Kyla, I know I hurt her in the worst way possible and if she can never forgive me I understand but that isn't going to stop me from trying my damnedest to get her back. She never gave up on me and I'm in no way willing to give up on her. Because even though I put her through a lot of shit she is the only constant in my life next to you. She is my total and utter everything and I would die without her." I said and Kyla gave me a weak smile and sighed.

"Fine I'm gonna help you out because I know where she is but be that as it may the place she's at you're not gonna wanna go." She said and I already knew what she was talking about.

"She's at her parent's house isn't she?" I asked just to confirm my already knowing.

"That would be correct." I groaned. Now them, yes they would most likely slam the door in my face if Spencer didn't answer. Well more like Paula would. Mr. C was always a fan of me.

"Well look at it this way, what's worst? Paula possibly slamming the door in your face while cursing obscenities or losing Spencer because you're afraid to face her parents after majorly screwing over their one and only precious baby girl." I made a face at her. She was no help at all.

"Oh just shut up." I said and she laughed while propping herself up against the door.

"So did you still wanna come in?" Kyla asked and I think '_its kinda too late for that Ky._'

"Nah I'm gonna go slay the dragon that keeps my princess trapped in that tower." I said chessily and Kyla laughed. It grew silent and I looked down at my feet.

"I'm sorry, you know," I said feeling a wave of guilt hit me. Kyla had a confused frown on her face.

"For leaving you without saying good-bye. It was a shitty thing for me to do. You were nothing but the best to me and a great sister and I left you hanging to fend for yourself and I really want you to know that I'm sorry." Kyla gave me a weak smile and her face softened from that frown.

"It's okay Ashley, I'm a big girl I can take care of myself without you having to look after me. Were not in high school any more." I laughed a little.

"I know but still." I said, finally looking up at her.

"Yeah even still Spencer and I are not the only ones you hurt Ashley, did you even stop to think what this would do to Aiden, or Madison? Of all people? No you didn't and that's the only thing that I really never got. How you could practically spend your whole life with us but surely as the sun is yellow drop us like if we meant nothing to you. So yea you have a lot of apologizing to do and not only to me." Kyla stated matter of factly and once again I knew it was true. Leaving was a truly selfish act but once again it wasn't about them. I wasn't trying to get away from them or push them out of my life. I was trying to get away from myself and the damage that I needed to fix. I needed to fix me. I sighed.

"So...you better get going. The longer you wait the more coal Paula gathers up to boil you with." I rolled my eyes and laughed at her comment.

"Yeah I guess I should." I replied and I wrapped Kyla up into a hug. I guess it caught her off guard because she didn't know what to do for a moment but she soon returned it.

"I missed you so much baby sis." I said and squeezed her a little tighter.

"Same here Ash, same here." Kyla replied and then I let her go.

"Well I'm off, Cheerio darling." I say to her in a British accent as I back away from her door step.

"Alright then mate." She replied and I hopped in my car and ventured off to the dungeon known as Spencer's parent's house. _Where is a sword to cut off the beasts head when you need it?_ I ask myself as I stop at a red light. I decided I was in need liquid courage in the form of caffeine so I headed straight to Starbucks to get a non-fat mocha caramel frappuicino. Only that could cure the fear I have of the satanic mother know as Paula Carlin. _Hmm can you tell I don't like her?_ Lucky me, I got a spot right in front of the shop and I hurried inside. As I was walking in the door I bumped into someone and spilled their things everywhere.

"Shit I am so sorry." I said helping the person pick up their things.

"No it was totally my own fault, I wasn't looking where I was going." The voice sounded familiar and I looked up to hand the unknown individual their things and was struck to a stand still. I didn't expect to see her this soon. I still had a lot of people to grovel to before I got to her. She was going to be the hardest of them all after Spencer.

"Ashley?" She asked, wanting to be sure but a mix of surprise and anger was written all over her face. The only thing that left my mouth was hot air, a world of no words and a damaged voice box.


	4. Explanations

**AN: Thanks guys for reading, it means a lot. Ashley will soon tell Spencer why she left so if you can, just hang in there yea? =] As for the comments about the cliché theme of Ashley having to suck up to Spencer...get over it. If you don't like the story then don't read it. Simple as that. I don't need an explanation as to why you're not. But I do love all the super duper lovely people who do read and are liking it. Once again, sorry for the confusion. I appreciate you guys!3 Anyways enough of that =] R&R**

I stood there, stuck on a high level of stupid. I was a fucking deer in bright ass head lights. She stood there as well, her face a sea of mixed emotions but the only ones I could clearly pick out were anger and most of all hurt. Probably hurt because even if I was scared of loving Spencer, or needed time away from Kyla or any of the other shit that occupied my life I know that she of all people was one I owed a thorough explanation to. Madison was my best friend, the only one I could ever really count on for days when I felt like the world was against me. If something got me down, she was right there by my side trying her best to cheer me up.

When My mother died, and god bless her soul, Madison was the only one I felt comfortable enough talking about it with. I didn't even let my own sister in as much as I did her. I remember for months after my mother passed away we stayed stuck in her room, the whole summer, with her inventing little games and things to cheer me up or get my mind off the fact that she was really gone. We would go down by the lake and sit there for hours, most of them consisting of me crying on her shoulder, but either way, whether I was crying, laughing, whatever she was there for me and I left her. I didn't call, I didn't write, I didn't email and I wasn't even sure that she knew right away that I had left. I dialed her number many times but never had the courage to actually speak to her, too afraid that she might call me on my shit and my bluff. So I shut her out, like I did everything.

We had been standing there for quite some time and she finally took her keys and papers from my hands. I still hadn't said anything and I was starting to think I had gone mute. Madison simply put the items in her purse and began to walk away. I knew this wasn't going to be easy and I knew she would call me out on a lot of things but I thought it best to try at least. As she proceeded to go out of the door of Starbucks I grabbed her arm and she stopped, yanking it back as if she had been burned.

"We need to talk Madie." I said not too sure of my voice. She scoffed and It was colder than the arctic sea.

"Hmm talk? I didn't know you talked anymore I thought running away was your thing." Ouch. I really should have prepared myself for some snappy pun from her. It always was her thing.

"And don't call me madie, you lost that privilege when you decided to shit on our friendship and leave." Madison finished and walked out the door. I followed her out.

"Madie!" I yelled after her.

"Don't call me that!" She exclaimed and I knew exactly how to get her to stop. Its the advantage of being best friends with some one since you were nine years old.

"Madison Elizabeth Duarte would you **stop** fucking walking away and talk to me!" Madison stopped and my plan worked the way I hoped it would. I got within talking distance and she had a mean scowl on her face.

"Why should I not walk away? You did it. Give me one good goddamn reason I shouldn't put you in that same corner you put me in and forget about you?" She said, the hurt evident in her voice but I knew she wouldn't break. Not here, not now. She'd never let that happen. I sighed.

"You know what, I don't have any good reasons for why you shouldn't brush me off like I never came back except for that I know that I was selfish in leaving and that It ultimately was about me. I know not telling you I was leaving was a shitty thing to do but I had to get away." I said hoping to get her to say something, anything more and not leave.

"Away from what!" Madison asks seriously and although it wasn't what I wanted her to ask at least she wasn't hauling over my foot with her car.

"I don't know, Los Angeles, the people, I needed to get away from myself. I needed to breathe a little." I said and she scoffed.

"And you couldn't have done that in the next town over? You had to go half way around the fucking world to do it? And you know its not that. I don't blame you from wanting to get away from the L.A scene and I certainly don't blame you for wanting to leave. I get that you know but the simple fact that you left without even a phone call telling me that you were gonna be leaving, without a fucking good-bye Ashley. You didn't..." She paused, breathing in deep, the hurt in her voice bringing the sting of tears to my eyes.

"You didn't say good-bye and with that you put our friendship in perspective for me, when you left you let me know that I no longer meant anything to you." Madison said and my tears betrayed me and came flowing out.

"That is not true." I said with conviction.

"Oh yeah? Because that's exactly how it seemed Ashley. That is exactly how it seemed." She said, opening her car door and sliding in. She started her engine and I began to protest but stopped myself. With another word it would probably get worse so I did what I had to do. I fiercely wiped those fucking stupid tears from my eyes, kissed my fingers and placed it on her window, and left. I wasn't in the mood for coffee anymore. What I really wanted was to go wallow in self pity but I couldn't do that. I still had to go and probably be rejected by Spencer. Only then would I make my quota for 'if you leave don't **ever **come back or there **will **be hell to pay.' I got into my mustang and put the keys in the ignition. I didn't turn it on though. I sat there, my tears still spilling over the brim. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, GODDAMMIT!" I yelled and I swear the little old lady that had just parked next to me thought I had gone bloody mad. But we of course know that would be a fucking upside to the situation I'm in. I probably would have been better off If I wouldn't have come back. With the way things are going I doubt I'll be able to get Spencer back. But I will still try and if I fail miserably then I'll know, even if I don't want to believe it, it wasn't meant to be. I finally turn the engine over and pull out of the parking structure of Starbucks..._Fucking Starbucks._ From there I went straight to Spencer's house, I've already delayed enough time and now was the moment of truth. I pulled into her driveway and got out of the car. I walked up the path to her parents' front door and rang the doorbell. My heart was racing and I prayed to all that was holy that Paula Carlin would not open the door. The door came open and I was met with sad blues eyes. No, it wasn't Paula that answered the door but Spencer.

"Hi." I said weakly.

"Hi." She replied back.

"Can we go for a drive?" I asked in hopes she said yes. She smiled a little.

"Uh sure, let me get my coat." Spencer said going back into the house. I could hear her call to her mom, telling her she would be back soon. And I hoped not that soon. She came back to me and shut the front door.

"Shall we?" I said and she smiled a little brighter.

"We shall." She said and we proceeded down the path way and to my car. I opened the door for her and she slid into the passenger's side and I closed the door. I crossed my fingers and hoped this drive would go well. I already knew where I would take her. The beach of course. It was her favorite place on earth next to Disney Land. She was really just a little kid at heart and that was an aspect I loved about her. I peeled out of her drive way and we were on our way to making things better...I hoped because really, that's all I could do now was hope...


	5. Conversations

Spencer and I had just pulled on to the 10 freeway and it was silent. We hadn't said much to each other except for the simple "hey how are you? how have you been?" It was a little dance we were playing and I hoped the rest of our drive didn't go that way. Every now and then I would take my eyes off the road and glance at her. I could tell she was thinking about something, having an internal battle, and most likely it was about her and I.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked her with a genuine smile and she returned it.

"Oh nothing." She simply said but I knew she was lying. There was another moment of silence as she had shot my question down.

"Us." Spencer said out loud and I glanced at her again.

"I was thinking about us and whether I want to do it again, you know be in a relationship with you." I swallowed hard fearing what was to come. I knew where she stood and I also knew she said it was all up to me and whether I could be woman enough and grow up.

"Did you read my letter?" She asked me and all I did was nod to answer her question. Then I had to speak up.

"You know you didn't have to write me a letter. We could have spoken about your doubts in person once I woke up." I said and out of my peripherals I saw her roll her eyes. Maybe not a wise thing to say.

"Oh you mean like you did? How you talked out your doubts with me and didn't run half way across the country or whatever? At least I gave you a letter which is more than I can say you did for me." Spencer finished. She had a point. Scratch that she had a big ass circle. When I left I didn't give her anything. No heads up just a 'good-bye baby, I'm moving across the country and I'm not taking you with me.' I guess I got a taste of my own medicine as so to speak. Which I agree, I deserved every ounce of the awful tasting shit.

"I know. I am in no place to judge what you did. I'm sorry." I said, not wanting to make matters worse. I was trying to get her back not push her away even further with my bad case of foot in the mouth. There was silence again and I could see that it was starting to become routine in the conversation. So I decided to just let her think on the drive over to the beach. It would give her time enough to make her decision and since there was silence, that piercing silence that made your ears ring and with tension you could cut with a butter knife, I turned on the radio. Metro Station's Kelsey was playing and I hummed along to the song, replacing the words in my head from I'll swim the ocean for you whoa Kelsey, to whoa Spencer. Because truth is, I would swim the ocean for her, she was my everything and if in some way I did lose her I don't know what I would do.

We drove for about 20 more minutes and we finally pulled up to Santa Monica beach. Not the best beach, I know, but it was Spencer's favorite beach. I think it was her favorite just because she was so addicted to that damn roller coaster on the pier. I parked and turned off the engine, making no attempt to get out of the car. There weren't a lot of people at the beach and the sun was just starting to give the individuals of earth an inkling that it was going to set soon. Spencer didn't make an attempt to get out of the car either. I sighed and faced her. She faced me as well.

"Look Spencer, I am so so sorry for leaving you the way I did. I never meant to hurt. I was scared okay. Scared of how deep I was falling for you. I couldn't deal so instead of being an adult about it and talking to you I did the only thing I knew how. I ran. Hoping I could get away far enough where I wouldn't have to deal or think about the pressure of treating you right and giving you the love you deserved. But the reality of the situation was no matter how far I ran I would never be able to stop loving you." I looked from her face and down to my hands.

"The 3 months I was away were the hardest 3 months I've ever had to endure and I brought that all upon myself because I was the one that chose to leave because I was a fucking coward and I didn't want to deal." I paused and took a deep breath, finally looking back at her.

"What I'm trying to tell you Spence is that I love you with all my heart and I want us to work. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and no one else. You're it for me, the only one I ever wanted and although I had to go to the end of the world and then back to let it sink in really, I always knew you were. I went crazy from the moment I met you." I finally finished. Spencer blew out her breath.

"I love you too Ashley and I want nothing more than for us to work," She said and I smiled because she confirmed that she still loved me too. I know she said she did in the letter but hearing her say it out loud and to my face made that feeling all the better.

"But I don't know if I can trust you and if there's no trust in this relationship than we don't have shit. I need to be able to have that comfort that I'm not gonna wake up one morning and you're gonna be gone. Just thinking about that happening scares the living shit out of me because honestly I die without you. When you left I died inside. I became a shell of the person I used to be, my days were spent wondering what the fuck I did that was so terribly wrong to make you leave me..." I had to cut her off. I had to let her know it wasn't her fault.

"Spencer it wasn't even like that. You did nothing wrong. It was all me and my fucked up self." I said, grabbing her hands. A tear rolled down her face and my heart cracked. I felt like a fucking asshole for making her feel hurt and as if it was her fault.

"It felt that way. It felt like I was the source of your leaving and in a way I was. If we never would have got together there's no way you would have ran to Ireland because you would have never felt like you couldn't deal with loving me and just knowing that you ran because you couldn't deal made it hurt all the worse." Spencer said and I was now mentally kicking my own ass.

"Spencer I never intentionally meant to make you feel like it was your fault. It wasn't that I couldn't deal with loving you it was because I couldn't deal with the possibility that I might hurt you in some stupid way which was even stupider because I hurt you anyways. I don't want you to hurt anymore." I said and she looked away from me. I gently turned her head back with a finger.

"Look at me, I fucking love you and I will never let you go again and if that means I have to get on my knees and beg you to take me back I will because I can't live without you. I've tried and as you can see it was for shit. I came running back and this time I plan to stay. I've changed just like you told me to. I've grown up and I swear I can be there for you. I swear I won't ever leave you again." I said with conviction and a tear rolled from my eye. I needed her and I was not about to let her slip through my idiotic hands again.

"I'm here to stay and I want it to be with you. Forever and after." I finally finished and there was silence. Again, which scared me. I was slowly deflating with every millisecond of silence that ticked away.

"Please, baby, say something." I pleaded. She sighed.

"I need you just as much as you need me. I love you and I never want to be without you again. We can work on this but I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll give myself fully to you because I need you to gain that trust with me again." I smiled wide at her. I wasn't gonna say no. I was willing to take anything she gave me.

"That's a start. I'll take whatever I can get. I'll show you that I've changed, that I'm a better person." Spencer laughed and I melted. I loved her laugh.

"God I missed that laugh." I said honestly and she smiled. There was silence again but this was a good silence. A silence of cleared air.

"So how about we go and get on that roller coaster you love so much." I said and Spencer smiled.

"I'd like that very much." She said and I retrieved my key from the engine and opened my door. Spencer did the same and we shut our doors, proceeding to the pier. We were walking closely and out of the blue she laced her fingers in mine and I instantly felt calm. I looked over at her and she smiled at me. I was definitely not complaining.

I swear Spencer and I rode every ride and played every game at that pier. I was getting tired and so was she but we still hadn't rode the Ferris wheel so we vowed that was our last ride. I payed for our tickets much to Spencer's protest and we piled in the seat on the Ferris wheel. The ride started and we began to get higher and higher, the sun shining on the water was a real sight to see but not as beautiful as the girl next to me. It was rather chilly so I scooted closer to Spencer and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. She didn't protest. In fact she laid her head on my chest. She use to tell me she loved doing that because she could hear my heart beat. I kissed the top of her head and she sighed. I was really starting to love the Ferris wheel. Out of nowhere she began to speak.

"Ashley, I know you're not perfect and I don't expect you to be," she said lifting her head from my chest and looking at me.

"And I'm sorry if I put pressure on you because I really didn't mean to. All I ever wanted was to be with you. If I had you I didn't need anything else." Spencer said and I smiled.

"Spencer you don't need to be sorry for anything okay, nothing was your fault and you never put pressure on me. I meant I pressured myself to love you better. Trust me baby please you never did anything wrong. I know it sounds cliche but it wasn't you it was definitely me." I said sure of myself and she laughed. God I wanted to kiss her. She looked adorable the way the sun was shining in her face. She really was an angel. I leaned in closely and when she didn't move back I had my go ahead. I kissed her and it felt so good to finally taste her lips. They tasted like strawberries and vanilla, which was a taste I had grown to love. It started off soft and sensual but it quickly became passionate and needy. I slid my tongue across her bottom lip asking for entrance and she didn't hesitate to grant me it. Soon enough our tongues were battling for dominance. I let her win, seeing as I wanted her to rule me. Every inch of me.

We finally came up for air and she put her forehead against mine. We both smiled at each other and she pecked my lips again, rubbing her nose against mine.

"I missed this." I said honestly.

"I did too, I really did." Spencer agreed and I hugged her. I held her there, close to me, her body providing my body with warmth. We stayed like that for the rest of the ride of the Ferris wheel, which wasn't very long. The ride soon stopped and we exited it. Losing the contact of her body left me cold in the nearing night air. As we made our way back to my car I laced her fingers in mine and automatically felt calm again. It was something she always did to me. I could be a nervous fucking wreck and one touch from her would calm my synapses that were having a party. We finally reached my car and I opened the passenger door for her.

"In you go my princess." I said and Spencer giggled and slid in.

"Why thank you darling." She replied and I got into the driver's seat. I started the car and put it in reverse, backing out of my parking space and away from the beach. We were driving down the street back towards the freeway when all of a sudden I heard Spencer's stomach let out a mean grumble. I started laughing and so did she.

"So babe how about we go get something to eat?" I asked and she nodded her head.

"Definitely. I'm starving." She said with a smile and I laughed.

"Yeah I could tell." I said and she playfully slapped my arm.

"Shut up." She said and I rubbed my arm with one hand, the other planted firmly on the wheel.

"Ow, that hurt." I said with a pout and she leaned all the way over in her seat to peck my pouting lip.

"Oh babe loved that but no more, your gonna make me crash." I said with a laugh.

"So where would you like to eat?" I asked Spencer and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't care as long as they have food." She replied and I decided we'd go to Tommy's burgers.

"Fine Tommy's burger it is." I declared and she agreed. There was silence but a comfortable silence. A silence I could live with her forever in. So we made our way to Tommy's burger. Today was a good day. Well an almost good day. I had gotten Spencer back. Even though we still had a lot to work on I was in it for the long run. I wasn't going anywhere. Next I had to apologize to Aiden and then Madison. She of course was going to be the hardest one of all. I had already tried and failed once but I would keep trying until she decided to forgive me. It was the least I could do for her. I looked over at Spencer than back to the road. I still had a long way to go but at least I was okay with Spencer, which was my main goal for coming back. The others like my sister and Madison are important too but she was my main priority and I was content now that we were kind of back on track. I knew I still had a long way to go though. A very long road to venture about.

**AN: Thanks for reading and don't forget to review =]**


	6. Encounters

Spencer and I pulled up at Tommy's burger and went inside. I wanted to go through the drive thru but Spencer insisted that we go eat inside so of course I complied. We walked up to the counter and since I already had in mind what I wanted to order I went first. After giving my order we stood there for several minutes while Spencer decided on what she wanted.

"Come on babe, its not rocket science." I teased her and she smacked me on the arm playfully.

"Shut up. Fine I'll have a number 6 please." She told the guy taking our order and he added up our food.

"That'll be $6.45 please." He said and I quickly got my wallet out of my pocket but not quick enough because Spencer stopped me and slapped a 20 on the counter.

"Babe I could have paid you know." I said to her. We had this little thing where she hated for me to pay for stuff and I hated for her to pay for stuff.

"Its okay you paid at the beach and now its my turn." Spencer said with a smile and I smiled back, caving.

"Fine but next time I'll pay." I said

"Okay deal." She said with a smile and took her change and our number from the teenage boy working the counter. We took a seat at one of the booths by the door and made small talk.

"So how have you really been since I left." I asked and I immediately saw the sadness flash in her eyes and she looked away. I placed my hand on her slightly smaller one.

"It was bad okay. I didn't know what to do with myself so I decided to go back to school." She said a weak smile playing on her face.

"Well that's great!" I exclaimed more than happy that she's decided to go back to school.

"Yeah its okay. This English class I'm taking is kind of advanced and the professor hates me so it gets a little hard at times but I like it." Spencer said smiling.

"That's good and about this professor, you want me to kick his ass?" I asked and she laughed.

"No I don't want you to do that because I need his harsh treatment so I can become a better writer and maybe get something of mine published." Spencer said with a laugh. As we continued the bell jingled on the door of Tommy's and a familiar face walked into the restaurant. I slightly frowned and Spencer noticed it, turning around to see who it was.

"Aiden?" Spencer asked, standing. He heard her and came over, hugging her. He looked over to me and had a surprised look on his face.

"Ashley? When did you get back?" He exclaimed, the first person in this town to be happy to actually see me. I stood back giving him a hug, which nearly drained the breath out of me.

"Yeah I got back yesterday night." I replied to his question asked earlier.

"Man its great to see you. You run into Mads yet?" He asked and I cringed at how furious she was earlier.

"Yeah." I said and from my tone of voice he could tell it didn't go so good.

"Didn't turn out the way you expected?" He asked and I laughed.

"Well actually it turned out better than I thought it would but it was still to the effect where she most likely wanted to rip my throat out." I said and he gave an apologetic look.

"Oh man that sucks. Well hopefully she'll hear you out and it will turn out for the better." Aiden said and I laughed.

"Yeah I hope. Dude you know you're the only one actually happy to see me." I said and he laughed.

"What about Spencer here?" He asked and I quickly looked over to her.

"Well we worked out what we needed to." I said and Aiden smiled.

"Good because you two are like the light at the end of my tunnel. You give me hope." I laughed at his corniness.

"What about you and Kyla?" I asked and a weak smile graced his lips.

"Boy have you been away. Your little sister broke my heart." He said with a laugh but I knew he was serious. Kyla and Aiden had been dating since their Freshmen year and to hear that they were broken up was truly a surprise and shock to me.

"No way dude! You guys have been dating since forever." I said and he nodded his head.

"I know but I guess everyone needs a little break once and a while you know." Aiden said positively and I admired his optimism.

"Well you two will be back together in no time." I said to him placing my hand on his shoulder.

"Ha I hope." He said.

"Well I'm I gonna go order and get going. I'm hanging with Mads tonight." He said and I smiled.

"Alright then, it was uh good seeing you again Aiden." I said honestly.

"It was good seeing you too Ashley. We need to really hang and soon." He said backing away.

"Okay you know where to find me." I said and Aiden nodded as he turned around and went to order his food then left. Spencer and I retook our seats and then our number was called. I got up and got our food. Spencer and I ate and talked, catching up on old times and what was new in her life. I made sure the conversation was revolved around her. I wanted her to know that I really did care what happened in her life and that just because I left doesn't mean that I ever stopped loving or caring for her and I think she got the message.

When we were done eating, and stuffed we made our way back to her house. Paula had called several times worried about where she was but as soon as she told her she was with me I'd like to say that her worrisome manner ceased but in reality it probably got worse. And since she had told her mother she was with me she now officially knew I was back in town and that gave her a clear opportunity to grill me when I dropped Spencer off. Pretty soon we were parked in Spencer's drive way in silence.

"So I had a really good time." I said facing her and Spencer smiled.

"I did to." She agreed and smiled as well.

"So what are you doing tomorrow night?" I asked hoping she would agree to go out.

"Tomorrow night I am working at Gray's." She said and I looked at her surprised.

"You work at Gray's?" I asked her surprised once again.

"Yeah." She said laughing at the look on my face.

"But why? You don't even go to bars but you work at one?" I asked laughing and she smiled.

"I needed something to take my mind off of you, Kris offered me a job so I took it. It helps pay for books too." Spencer gave me a weak smile and once again I felt like the crappiest piece of crap to ever walk the earth. If it wasn't for me she would be happy right now.

"Oh okay well how about I stop by? What time does your shift end?"

"That would be really great if you did and my shift ends at 1." She said and I smiled.

"Great I'll be there around 12:30 k." I said smiling and she returned it.

"Great." Spencer said. There was silence for a moment and so I spoke up.

"Well you better get inside before your mum calls a search party for you." I said, looking at the clock on my dash board that read 10:30. She laughed. Yes, she was a grown ass woman but her mother still worried like she was 17 still.

"Yeah you're right I should. She'll probably be out here any moment." Spencer said and I laughed because I knew she was most likely right. There was silence again and I leaned over the console and captured her lips. The kiss was sweet and I loved the feel of her lips against mine. We finally broke away from each other.

"I could honestly do this forever." I said and Spencer smiled.

"Me too babe, me too." She said giving me one last peck before she got out of the car.

"Have a goodnight love." I said before she closed the door.

"Goodnight to you to." She said and closed the door, leaving me there with silence. As she reached the porch her mother came out of the door and I silently laughed to myself, knowing Spencer was on point about her mother. Spencer waved and so did I. I gave a little wave to Paula and she waved back, a tight lipped smile gracing her lips. I shook my head and started my mustang. Boy she hated me. I backed out of their drive way and made my way home. I was tired from the events of today and wanted nothing but to close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful sleep, knowing that Spencer and I were back on good terms. I Knew everything wasn't perfect but it was okay and that was all that I could ask for. I would work on making things perfect later. I finally reached my house and proceeded inside, ready for sleep to come. I went straight up stairs and threw on my pajamas then went back down stairs for a glass of water. When I entered the kitchen I was scared out of my wits.

"Jesus Mother of God!" I screamed as Kyla came into my view.

"How did you get in here?" I asked holding my hand over my heart to keep it from jumping out of my chest.

"Your spare key." She said simply and I could tell that she had been crying. I made my way to her.

"Whats wrong?" I asked, kneeling in front of her. Kyla sniffled and wiped a tear that had escaped her eye.

"I miss him. So much." She said and I knew exactly who she was talking about. Aiden.

"Oh Ky." I said pulling up a chair and sitting next to her.

"Why did you break up with him in the first place? You know you are still very much in love with him." She frowned.

"I don't even know I thought I wanted to see other people but every guy I've tried to be with since him has never been enough. I always end up comparing them to Aiden which gets me nowhere." Kyla confessed and I patted her knee.

"Well I can tell you he is very much miserable without you himself." I said and she looked at me puzzled.

"Yeah and how do you know?" She asked.

"Because I talked to him tonight and he expressed to me how you, little sister, broke his heart." I said and I could see the sadness in her eyes.

"Just let it go. You know you still love him and he loves you. Stop playing games and go get your boy. Or else you'll be miserable and doomed to compare all the other guys to him and that in the end will get you nowhere. Trust me I know." I said speaking from experience. She smiled and so did I.

"Your right." Kyla said.

"I always am." I said cockily, raising my eyebrow.

"Whatever." She said smiling and playfully smacking me on the arm.

"Well I'm going to go to bed. I had the greatest and most tiring time with Spencer today and I want nothing more than to sleep." I said and she laughed.

"You can take the guest room if you want." I said patting her on the head and making my way up stairs to my room.

"Alright and you are so definitely giving me the 411 on that date." Kyla said and I laughed.

"Sure thing little sis. Goodnight." I said.

"Goodnight." She replied and I went into my room. I forgoed that glass of water I had originally gone down stairs for and threw myself in my comfy bed. My head hit the pillow and I immediately drifted into sleep, feeling more happy than I have In months.

**AN: Well I'm glad I still have some readers lol it was touch and go there for a moment. Anyways thanks for reading and don't forget to review!**


	7. Good Morning

I awoke to soft lips on mine and I smiled, knowing it was Spencer. I stirred and cracked an eye open only to be met with crystal blues.

"Good morning." She said to me and I smiled.

"Good morning." Spencer straddled my hips and my smile grew wider.

"This early huh Spence?" I said laughing. She playfully smacked my arm.

"Uh no, but you do need to wake up. I'm here to take you out to brunch." I groaned. I glanced at my clock and it read 11:30.

"Spence its 11:30. You know its against my religion to wake before 12:00." We both laughed and I pulled her down next to me. She snuggled into me and I held her tightly.

"Can't we just stay like this. I really don't feel like sharing you with the rest of the world today." I said sincerely and she smiled.

"Well it could be an option." She said and I quickly smiled.

"Fine then, I'm making it a definite option and I say we're staying like this forever." I declared and Spencer laughed.

"Well what about food and water?" She asked and I looked at her.

"Its overrated." I stated and she laughed again.

"Okay what about Kyla?" Spencer inquired.

"Don't care." I state matter-of-factly and she breaks out laughing.

"Okay that's mean." She said and I laughed as well.

"Okay maybe a little bit but the point I'm trying to make is I don't really care about anything else but you. Forgive me for being honest." I said looking into her eyes. Spencer then leaned in and kissed my lips. It was soft and sensual but it let me know she felt the same way. After we broke the kiss she placed one more peck on my lips and made her way out of my bed which received a groan from me.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To brunch. I'm hungry and you can come with me or I can just take Kyla. She's down stairs and I'm sure she wouldn't object." Spencer said with a smile, knowing it would get me out of bed and going to brunch with her.

"Fine, have it your way." I said throwing the covers off of my body and getting out of bed.

"I always do." Spencer said smugly so I stuck my tongue out at her. I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her neck.

"I'm gonna go take a quick shower then I'll be down kay?" I said and she nodded her head. I then gave her a peck on the lips.

"And don't take fifty hours either Ashley." Spencer warned, slapping my ass as I made my way to my closet, looking for something to wear. I turned to her.

"I won't, I promise." I replied smiling.

"Okay I'll be down stairs." Spencer announced, opening the door.

"Kay, I'll miss you." I said and she smiled, leaving my room and closing the door. I went back to getting clothes and then I stripped out of my boy shorts and tank top, making my way towards the bathroom. I'd have to say, things couldn't get any better. I had my Spencer and that was all that I really needed to make my life that much better. Well things could get better but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth because I could be a lot worse off. I can't say it enough how stupid I was for leaving her in the first place. She was the best thing that had happened to me since my life turned into shit after my parents died. Spencer really did make my life complete. She was the only one that could fill that huge ass hole I had in my heart and believe me, she did it very, very well. Perfectly actually. I never wanted to be without her again. No matter what.

I finally finished my shower and got dressed. I then proceeded to blow dry my hair. After I was done I put on some sandals and went down stairs. I heard light conversation coming from Spencer and Kyla before I made my entrance and me being Ashley Davies I decided, and I know its wrong, to do some old fashion eaves dropping.

"So how is it with you and Ashley?" I heard Kyla ask and I immediately felt my heart rate pick up. I didn't know what she was going to say and just knowing that made me feel all panicky.

"Its good..." I could hear a but coming.

"But?" Kyla asked. _No shut up Kyla, stop giving her ideas._

"But I still don't know ya know, I still feel a little cautious about letting her in. I know I told her not to expect things to go back to the way they were but you know its confusing. There are moments I just want to give up, say fuck it and let her in completely but of course there's that stupid little voice in the back of my head saying 'don't you do that Spencer, she could hurt you worst than last time." Spencer finishes and I frown. I mean there's only so many times that I can tell her that I would never hurt her again but I can't blame her for being a little skeptical about that promise. I quickly tuned their conversation back in.

"Yea I can kind of get you there Spence but just give her chance." Kyla said defending my honor.

"I am Kyla, that's why I'm here and frankly I think I truly am being the bigger person. I mean she left me and I know I shouldn't keep throwing that in her face but its real. It's there. She left me, without a single word, without a phone call and then comes back and expects me to have been her waiting for her. Granted I was but in pieces and It wasn't fucking fun." Spencer said and once again she possessed the ability to make me feel like a shitty asshole. Sometimes I want to fucking scream because **I know **I left her in this fucked up state, I know that but I can't take back what's been done. I don't want to listen anymore so I make my presence known in the room and they both rise off of the couch.

"Hey sis, have a good sleep?" Kyla asked and I gave her a fake smile.

"Yea." I said simply which caused her to give me a confused look.

"So you ready to go?" Spencer asked me and I nodded my head. I grabbed my pea-coat off of the rack by the door and my wallet, putting it in my back pocket. I turned back around to see Kyla and Spencer watching me.

"What? Let's go." I said and made my way out of the door. I admit I was acting a little childish but her confession instantly put me in a shitty mood. I guess I felt that way because it's true but I surely didn't like it rubbed in my face. I got in my car and Spencer got in the passenger side. I already had the engine going so as soon as she got in the car and closed the door, I pulled out of my drive way. The drive to breakfast was a relatively quiet one, with just the light noise from the radio filling the interior of the car. We finally made it to IHOP for brunch and Spencer and I proceeded inside. We were Immediately seated and as we waited to give our order Spencer decided to break the silence that had been built since the car ride.

"So...have you talked to Madison yet." Spencer asked and I took my eyes off of the menu to look at her.

"No, not since the last time." I said simply.

"Are you still coming to Gray's tonight?" Spencer asked.

"I don't know." I stated as I scanned the menu once again. Looking up, I saw that she had a frown on her face.

"What do you mean 'I don't know'?" Spencer asked somewhat annoyed.

"Exactly what I said, I don't know I have a lot of things I have to sort through now that I'm back in town." I said completely lying. The only thing I truly had to sort out now that I was back in town was how I left and things with Bill at the studio. He wanted to get me back in there as soon as I landed but I told him I needed time. He said take a long as I needed and I planned to.

"What is this?" Spencer asked and I figured she was talking about my mood.

"What is what?" I asked playing stupid.

"Your shitty mood. This morning you were more than chipper and now your acting as if you don't want to be here with me. Is that the case?" Spencer asked with her eyebrows raised. I just gave her another reason to check off the 'not trust me with her heart' list. I closed the menu, defeated and looked her straight in the eye.

"That's not the case." I said.

"Then what is?" She said a little pissed.

"Its just- when I was coming down stairs this morning I heard you and Kyla talking and..." She cut me off, with realization on her face.

"So you were eaves dropping?" Spencer asked and I frowned.

"No...yes but I heard what you said and it hurt and it made me feel like shit. I don't know how many times I can tell you I'm sorry for what happened. If I could take it back I would but the reality of the situation is that I can't. If I could I would no doubt turn back the hands of time and fix every stupid mistake I made, leaving you, but I just can't and I hate that you keep throwing it back in my face. I know what I did was stupid, wrong, shitty, hurtful and every other adjective for awful but I don't need a reminder that what I did was in fact all of those things." I finished and she looked stunned.

"Look I wasn't trying to throw it back in your face okay. You're the one that brought it up right now. Kyla asked me how it was between us two and if I remember correctly I told her it was good. I was simply expressing how I felt and if you can't deal with that then I don't know what to tell you and acting like a bitch certainly isn't helping your situation at all either." Spencer said and I swear I looked like a fucking fish. Mouth wide open that she just called me a bitch.

"I can't believe you just called me a bitch." I said still marveling at her.

"I didn't call you a bitch I said you were acting like one and you are. You're mad at me for something I didn't even say to you so technically I wasn't throwing it back in your face because you wouldn't have even heard what I said if you weren't eaves dropping." Spencer said and I guess she had a point there but still that's beside the matter.

"Fine you got me there but that's still besides the point." I said.

"What exactly is your point here Ashley?" Spencer asked.

"Why are you acting like this?" I asked and she frowned.

"Acting like what? You're the one that brought this whole thing up." Spencer says with a bitter laugh and I roll my eyes.

"Fine then I'm ending it. Let's drop it." I said.

"Fine then." She replied.

"Fine...where the hell is this damn waiter!" I exclaimed, pissed. Soon the waiter came over to take our order.

"So what can I get for you ladies today?" He asked and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yeah I'll have the Harvest Grain N'nut with a side of bacon and eggs. I'd also like orange juice with that." I said finishing my order.

"And what about you ma'am?" He asked Spencer.

"Yes I'll have the buttermilk Trio with a side of sausage and eggs with orange juice as well." Spencer said with a smile, closing her menu and handing it to the waiter. I handed him mine as well but without the smile.

"Your order should be here in no time." He said with a smile and left. If our order takes as long as he took to take it, I believe I would starve. There was silence of course and I just fiddled with my utensils until our food came. Then of course there was even more silence as we ate and when we finished eating, when I paid for our food, and even as I drove her home. I admit our little spat was stupid. I _was _being childish but it didn't help that she called me a bitch either. I wanted more than anything to keep her with me and I was only pushing her further. There are just levels of my stupidity that are out of my control. We pulled up to her house and I turned off the engine. Usually she would sit there with me but she immediately reached for the handle and opened the door. I stopped her.

"Wait." I said grabbing her wrist. Spencer ceased her movements and sat back in the seat, closing the door.

"I'm sorry." I said turning to face her.

"I was acting childishly and stupid. I can't blame you for having those doubts and I definitely don't want us to fight anymore. I came back to make things right with you and that's exactly what I plan to do okay. I love you too much to let you go again. I am trying though." I said seriously and she smiled.

"I'm sorry too, for calling you a bitch. That was mean and I know you're trying which is why I don't bring up things like my insecurities around you cause I know you know what you did was shitty and I try not to throw it in your face but you have to forgive me if I slip up and do. Its not my fault. It just hurts you know, to think about it. Its still with me though, just because you came back doesn't mean the pain I felt for those three months is going to magically disappear. Its still there and I try and get over it but sometimes it may take a little more than just a day okay" Spencer Finished and I nodded. She then leaned in and hugged me and I hugged her back tightly. Spencer placed a chaste kiss on my lips and proceeded to get out of the car again.

"I don't want you to go." I said and she turned back around. Spencer smiled.

"Well we could go back to your place." She said with a seductive look on her face.

"Why Spencer Carlin what are you suggesting?" I asked with a wide grin.

"That we cuddle." She said and I laughed.

"That can be arranged." I said.

"Now get your ass in the car." I said playfully and she complied. We drove back to my place and to our surprise, but definitely not dismay, Kyla was gone.

"Ah we have the whole house to ourselves." I stated as I pulled Spencer into me.

"I can see that." She said placing a kiss on my lips. It soon got heated and the next thing I know she's leading me upstairs to my room. As we entered the room she quickly closed the door by slamming my back up against it, never breaking our kiss. My hands roamed down the expanse of her body, trying to make contact with every part of her as much as possible. I then broke the kiss and she groaned at the lack of contact.

"I think we're doing more than cuddling here babe, are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, concerned. Spencer only smirked.

"Yes." She stated simply and returned to her attack on my lips. I started to back her up towards the bed and soon enough she hit the edge of my bed and fell backwards. I straddled her and quickly discarded her shirt and mine too. I looked down at her, admiring every one of her features and I smiled, then within seconds closed the distance between her and I in a passionate, loving kiss. I felt her tongue enter my mouth and I didn't object to the sensation either. The kiss lasted for maybe 10 seconds before I made my way to unbuttoning her pants. Just as I was about to rid her of the damn things she placed her hand on mine.

"Wait." Spencer said and I looked at her concerned.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, somewhat worried.

"I can't do this." She said and I frowned. Her eyes were watery and she started crying.

"Shit, babe what's wrong? Don't cry." I said getting off of her and lying next to her, trying to console her.

"I'm sorry Ashley, I'm sorry." Spencer said through tears and even though I'm confused as all hell I just wrapped her in my arms.

"It's okay Spence, it really is." I said reassuring her. I could feel her warm tears spilling on my bare chest as I held her tightly. Soon her tears subsided. I looked at her and brushed the excess tears from her face with the pad of my thumb.

"Are you okay now." I asked and she nodded.

"We don't have to do anything we can just stay like this." I smiled and so did she. Soon enough she was drifting off into a peaceful sleep. I looked at my clock and it read 3:30 in the afternoon. I was kind of tired and did the same as her. I drifted into a peaceful sleep all the while holding her body tightly into mine. It was truly a good way to end a perfect morning.

**AN: Thanks for reading there's like two more chapters left until the end. I appreciate and love the reviews! Once again thanks and don;t forget to review! =]**


	8. Don't Stop Believing

**Last Chapter, I hope you guys enjoy it! XOXO**

Spencer had left a couple of hours ago for work. I could tell she was still a bit shaken up about the whole us almost having sex thing but I could also tell she didn't want to talk about it either. I really couldn't comprehend what went wrong but I chalked it all up to, she just wasn't ready to go there yet and I understood. It was now 10:00 and I was bored shitless. Kyla was out with Aiden and Spencer was at work so I was all by myself. I mean after recently shunning all of my friends to go to Ireland I was a little surprised to have the ones I had.

Since I in fact did Have nothing to do for the next 2 hours before seeing Spencer I figured what a better time to go a knocking on Madison's door and see if she would talk to me. She would probably slam the door in my face but I was ready for that. Hell I was ready for anything she threw at me because it probably wouldn't be as bad as what I truly deserve. So I got off of my couch, turned off my TiVo, and grabbed my keys, heading out to Madison's house. I still remembered where she lived and I hoped she hadn't move either.

I pulled up outside of her house and cut off my engine. I blew out the breath I was holding, took my keys out of the ignition, and got out of my car, making my way to her front door. This was indeed going to be the longest two hours of my life. I stood in front of that large piece of wood for longer than I Intended to. After finally getting the courage to knock I did. No answer so I decided to try again. I faintly heard from the other side I'm coming, and my heart rate picked up. That seemed to be a given with me lately. She opened the door and a look of pure shock that I would even darken her doorway crossed her face.

"What are you doing here?" Geez did the girl really know how to get down to the point or what?

"I wanted to talk to you. I was hoping we could both talk about...everything?" I said that in somewhat of a question and Madison crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"What is there to talk about Ashley? You left. Simple as that. You don't need to give me an explanation. You didn't before you left, and you certainly don't need to now." She finished but I wasn't going to leave it at that, we needed to clear the air. Whether she wanted to or not, it was gonna happen tonight.

"Yes I do need to give you an explanation because of the fact that I did leave without saying goodbye. I never meant to hurt you or any one for that matter. I thought I was doing every one a favor by disappearing." I confessed to her.

"Well you did hurt everyone and what favor did you expect to do for us by cutting us off and going away to some far off country? Was it making misery our company? cause let me tell you, if it was then thank you. You did a bang up job with that." Madison spat harshly and I flinched at the anger in her voice.

"No that's not what...I didn't think it would matter to any one if I left. You have to admit you and I weren't on great terms when I left and Spencer and I were having problems and it just felt like a good idea at the time ya know.." She sighed heavily.

"No I don't know and the fact that you and I weren't on good terms or that you and Spencer were having problems was all the more reason for you to stay. To fix things but no, instead you took the Ashley way out and ran away. Instead of being an adult and fixing things you rather just run, what you've done your whole life. How about being an adult and dealing with the problem, not just sweep it under the rug." She finished. Madison did have a point there, but I could surely say that this time, I was trying to be an adult and fix things.

"I am trying to be an adult and deal with the problems. I'm here aren't I. I'm trying to fix things but you keep shutting me out. Do you even think for one second I'd fucking be here if I hadn't of changed in some little way. Just let me explain and then if after that you still feel like you can't be my friend then I'll leave it at that. But at least hear me out." I said looking her straight in the eye. I was not backing down and she could clearly tell because she sighed and waved me inside her living room. We both sat on the couch, her across from me, in silence. I was cataloging all I was going to say before it came out of my mouth. I had a really bad case of foot in the mouth and the last thing I wanted to do was screw another thing up.

"So I want to start off by saying I truly am sorry. I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye, I'm sorry for leaving at all. I never meant to hurt you, you're my best friend and you've always been there for me, through everything and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I really cant give you some fabulous explanation for why I left because I don't have one. I left because I was scared of getting in a real relationship with Spencer, left because I couldn't deal with the fact that all my friends were going off to college and I wasn't. I left because of my own insecurities and it was selfish. I didn't think about how it would affect you or any one for that matter and I'm sorry. It was something I had to do but I could have made it easier. I'm not sorry for taking time to myself but I am sorry for doing it so far away, and cutting everyone I love off, or just up and leaving when I know all of you would have been understanding to me taking some alone time to think. So I'm sorry, for everything." I finished with that and got up to leave. As I was making my way to her front door she grabbed my wrist, which indeed surprised me.

"I forgive you. I know you had a lot to deal with but you could have told me and if not me, at least Spencer of all people. God, what you put her through, I wanted to cry myself for all of the pain she held inside. My heart honestly hurt for her. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't visit her that she wasn't sitting by the phone or checking her emails to see if you had even the slightest heart to contact her. It was a horrible way to watch a person live and the thing is she didn't deserve it. You know it and I know it. So I forgive you but I just hope that you can realize that there are in fact people in this town that love you okay, especially Spencer." Madison finished and my heart hurt for Spencer as well. All those things Madison said about her waiting for me, it made me wish I had never met her. I know that sounds weird but if I would have never met her, she would have never ever felt what she felt those three months I was gone. If I had never met her, there was no way I could have hurt her the way I did. No that's not true, I'm glad I met her I just wish I could be a person that didn't hurt her. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I finally grasp the true meaning of what I put Spencer through...and I hated it. Madison let go of my wrist and stood from the couch. She wrapped me in a hug and I had to admit, it felt good to have her back in my life. The truth is, she was my rock. She always had been. We stayed that way, what seemed like forever until she finally let me go.

"Thanks you know for forgiving me. I need you in my life because those three months without you were...eh." I said and she began to laugh.

"I have to agree, those three months without you were eh." Madison said as well, smiling. I glanced at her clock above the mantle and it read 11:30. We had been talking for a while and now I had to go see Spencer and apologize for being an ass today. She had every right to be afraid to give me her heart again after what I had done to it the first time she did.

"Well I have to get going, I have prior engagements with a certain blonde that I would just hate to miss. But I am glad we talked and uh maybe we can hang, catch up on old times, possibly make new ones?" I suggested this and Madison nodded.

"That would be great." She said smiling.

"Great. Well I'm off my love." I said making my way to her front door, with her following behind.

"Alright, I hope you have fun and remember be careful with Spencer. Be patient with her, give her some time to adjust to the fact that your back and not leaving. Give yourself to her and let her know your there for her, in that whole messy thing you call love with her kay." Madison said this with a smile and I nodded.

"I will keep that in mind babygirl." I told her making my way down her driveway and to my car. I opened the drivers side and with one last wave to Madison, I took off to Grays to see my baby, the one I planned on never leaving again.

_**Just a small town girl, living in**_

_**A lonely world, took a midnight**_

_**Train going anywhere…**_

Journeys Don't stop believing came through the radio airwaves in my Mustang and I hummed along to the song. It really was one of my favorite songs by them. I was now on my way to Grays to meet up with Spencer. Her shift wasn't over for another 20 minutes so I took my time getting there. The conversation I had with Madison tonight really was refreshing. We got things cleared up and all our insecurities out of the way. I had a feeling things would be going a lot better with us now.

Within minutes I pulled up into the parking lot of the club and got out of my car, making sure I locked the doors. Don't get me wrong, I felt safe in Los Angeles but my Mustang was my baby. I put everything I had in that and I refuse to let someone take her away from me. Spencer use to always say that I loved that car more then her but the truth is, if she asked me to give it up for her, I would without a second thought. I'd do anything for her which is why I had, tonight, to apologize to her for being an uber ass.

I had picked a fight with her today about my selfish insecurities when I had no right to. She was the one that was left hurting while I just ran away and I owed her at least the right for her to voice her concerns.

I strolled up to the doors of the club and Mickey, the bouncer, let me in as easily as pie and I went straight to the bar in search of my blonde haired beauty. I spotted her at the far end of the bar and watched her interact with her customers. She handed drink after drink, making small talk with some of the customers. Glancing my way, she caught my eye and gave me a weak but genuine smile. It pained me to know that it was me that caused this brave Amazon to feel so small and fragile. I had broken her when I left and I don't think she can ever truly be fixed again. She wiped her delicate hands on the towel that was previously on her shoulder and made her way over to me. The music was pretty loud so she leaned across the bar to greet me.

"Hey…" Spencer said, giving me a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Hey, is your shift over yet?" I asked, wanting to talk to her as soon as possible.

"No but I can tell Kam to cover for me so I can leave early." Spencer replied, putting the towel she was twirling under the bar and telling Kam to cover for her. After the deed was done, she rounded the bar and made her way over to me. I didn't want to talk to her in the club and wanted to go somewhere quiet.

"Hey you mind if we get out of here? Go to that little café down the road?" I asked her and she nodded her reply yes. I grabbed her hand and lead her out of the club, but not before saying my goodbyes to Mickey and Kristen. We got in my Mustang aka Jordan; yes I named her Jordan, and made our way to the cozy café known as the Vanilla Bean. That place was like a 2nd home to me and Spencer and I spent a lot of quality time there. I was hoping it would trigger some kind of reassurance to her that I was here to stay. We pulled up in the little parking lot and got out of the car. As soon as we entered, we ordered; me the usual and Spencer the caramel iced macchiato. As we waited for our orders we took a seat at our usual cozy little booth. It was silent for quite some time until I decided to break the silence.

"So how was work?" I asked, making evident small talk.

"Ugh relatively uneventful. It was kinda slow tonight. Not like it usually is." Spencer replied looking down at her hands. I could sense that there were a million things running through her head so I asked her about it.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" I questioned and she looked up at me, smiling.

"Nothing just thinking…" Spencer replied playing with the sugar packets in their basket on the table.

"About?" I asked further.

"Order #25," Our order was called out and I sighed.

"Hold that thought." I told her smiling as I got up to retrieve our coffees. Spencer smiled once again and nodded her head. I returned to her within seconds and placed the brewed deliciousness on the table. I handed her hers and took my coffee in my hands, sipping it. It was rather hot and burned my tongue but I didn't complain.

"So where were we? Oh yes, whatcha thinking about?" I asked her once again. She took a sip of her iced coffee and looked at me through ad eyes.

"What are we doing Ash?" Spencer asked this and I hated it. I did what I always do. Try to lighten the heavy load.

"We're having coffee?" I answered laughing. Spencer let a smile come across her face but I could tell she was serious. So I answered her truthfully.

"Honestly? I don't know but I know I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She smiled at this and I returned it.

"Look I'm sorry today, for picking a fight with you. I was being an ass and I know I apologized already but I felt like I owed you another one. I guess I didn't really comprehend the extent of pain you went through when I left until after talking to Madison…" Spencer cut me off.

"You talked to Madison?" She asked in surprise.

"Yeah, tonight actually. It went really well." I said smiling before taking another sip of my coffee.

"Well that's good." Spencer replied.

"Yeah but what I'm trying to say is that **god** I want you to know how sorry I am for putting you through all the shit I put you through. I know I'm a fucking train wreck and the fact that you even talked to me when I came back was a real shocker. I hate that I caused you so much pain and that I didn't even write or call when I was gone. I'm deeply sorry for cutting you off from my life when really all I wanted was **you** in my life. Always and forever." I said and there was a frown on her face which brought me down even more. Spencer was silent which cued my worry.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, worried to shit.

"I just can't comprehend why you left. Was I that horrible that you had to trek the entire way across foreign land to get away from me? I know that's why you left. Because of me? Because I wasn't good enough for you? Was that it?" Spencer asked, pain evident in her features.

"Hell no. That is not why I left. You weren't horrible, you were perfect and I left because **I** wasn't good enough for _you_. I was a horrible person back then, the kind of person who could hurt you in the worst way. The kind of person who pushed you away because she was afraid of falling in love. Who was afraid that if she did, in fact, fall in love, it would end up a royal pile of shit like her parents did. It was because I was scared and a fucking coward who couldn't deal with her shit. You didn't do anything to make me leave okay." There were tears in her eyes and some even betrayed her and rolled down her cheeks. I knew this is why she thought I left but she had it all wrong. I wish I would have never left. Instead of it making things easier it made things that much harder and complicated. I wiped the tears from her eyes and stained face.

"Spencer I swear to you, there is nothing in this world that could ever make me leave you again. I'm here to stay and I'm wiling to do anything to show that I am. Even if it means you have to move in with me to make sure I don't go anywhere, I will do it. That's how much I am serious. If you want me to marry you, I will. Just to show you I love you that much and vow to stay with you until it is my time to go. I love you with my whole entire life and never, ever will I let you go again like I fucking stupidly did the first time okay." I finished with tears rolling down my cheek, matching hers. I meant every word I said. I was very much in love with this girl and I didn't want to let her go ever again. I wiped the tears from my eyes and we sat in sheer silence.

"I love you." Spencer said and I smiled.

"I love you more." I said and she smiled too.

"I'm not asking you to trust me Spencer because I know I haven't earned it yet but I do promise I'll make it better with us. I want to work hard with this even if it frustrates the hell out of us, I want us to work at it." I said this with conviction because I meant it.

"Got work at it, like a crack addict, up in rehab…" Spencer said and my eyebrows rose. Then we both busted out laughing.

"Really Spence? Quoting Bow Wow?" We continued to laugh and drink out coffee, talking.

"Lets go to the beach." I said to her out of the blue.

"Right now? Ash its like below zero outside." Spencer exaggerated and I rolled my eyes at her playfully.

"Yeah right now and its not below zero. Plus you can wear my jacket if you want." I said trying to get her interested in going.

"Aw how sweet. " She said smiling.

"I guess we can go but not for too long. I'm kind of tired and want to go home and cuddle with you." Spencer said sweetly and I smiled. I leaned across the table catching her lips with mine. She tasted of strawberries and cream which reeled me in even more. As the kiss heated, she ran her tongue across my bottom lip, asking for entrance, and I gladly granted it to her. Our tongues battled for dominance which I happily won in the end. Our tongues battled for dominance which I happily won in the end. We kissed at that booth for, Id have to say, a good 20 minutes before we parted to make our way to the beach. Once we got there, we walked hand in hand on the beach then settled down to watch the tide change. It was my favorite things to do, watch the tide change. It happens so quick that if you blink your eyes you'll miss it. Much like life. My life surely changed in the blink of an eye. It went from great, to me making it unbearably worst, to better than I could have imagined. I intertwined my fingers with Spencer's and held her hand firmly. She looked at me with puzzlement but didn't question it. It was a sign that I would hold her hand forever, no matter what. I had a feeling that she would always 2nd guess our relationship because of my stupidity, but just in case, I wanted to make sure I was always there to remind here that she didn't need to.

Things were really good in my life at this point. I had made up with the love of my life. Although she had doubts, I wasn't going to leave so she could confirm them. I had made up with my best friend of forever years and planned to have many more years of our wacky and fun times. Even things with my sister were going great and with Aiden as well. Things turned out a lot better then I had imagined them to turn our after I had come back. I kissed the back of Spencer's hand and she snuggled into me. I held her tightly to me and rested my chin on the top of her head, savoring the moment. I guess you could say like the vast ocean, my life's tide changed as well and for the better.

**AN: The End lol thanks for all of you that read, liked it and reviewed this story. I hope you enjoyed it!**


End file.
